Monday, November 15, 2010

I am...

Beware I am in need of a very long needed venting party. 

I am........ 
(deep breath)
tired
exhausted
 sore
BroKeN 
(physically and emotionally at the moment)
hitting the "meh" stage in school
 (which is bad because it isn't done yet)
 hurting.... EVERYWHERE
Whinny
 easily annoyed
sick of pretending life is perfect
stressed
pooped
Frazzled
 craving healthy food
 completely broke (money wise)
stressed... stressed a little more
 out of alignment
self conscious
emotionally strained
needing more gospel feasting
 always eating junk food
feeling yucky
sad
scared
missing my sisters
missing my friends
missing my mom
 missing my brothers
missing my dad 
(I could have said family,
 but i miss them all separately and collectively)
dead in the brain I couldn't possibly learn anything else and expect it to stick... 
.....but I got ta
wishing I could get a good long hug from a certain someone 
but that's not gunna happen 
(and it would sadly be awkward)
 wishful 
very wishful for
 good grades
 boys to become men and stop wasting time 
for school to be over...
the school part.. aka chemistry... :{
for christmas to come
and more

Man I have just been feeling really down lately. 
Not all the time, 
and not an I'm so depressed I wanna quit.
 just a...
 I need a break from life for one day 
where I don't have to stress about homework, 
or having to practice a dance for a show coming up, 
or finding time to create choreography
or finding songs for my girls recital pieces
or studying
or worrying about life, and remembering how we are currently not very close friends. 
or having people keep on reminding me about past experiences
 that are messing with my happy life now....
gluberskinkerspinkle

(deep breath)

Story behind my little venting party. Well there is a certain someone, a very good. No Best friend of mine that is making life very awkward. He, lets call him FN. Well FN and I have talked and are very aware of how we both feel. Only there are a couple of complications. He doesn't want to be in a relationship because he has only been home from his mission for about 3 and a half months.... which is totally reasonable I get that, and he doesn't want to pursue anything because I dated his best friend (LM) in high school and he feels that it will be uncomfortable when "the other guy" aka LM gets off his mission. Ok so we are on the same page. I understand all of this ya it stinks for me... i have to sit on the side with no say on what is happening, but I'm willing to wait. I am willing to strengthen our friendship. I am totally willing to wait for the other said guy to get home and for FN to realize that LM is only a friend we are no longer together... and haven't been for 2 years. But he can't get that yet.... I came to that conclusion a month ago. Soooo.... why does he keep calling me to couple events?? To hang out with his family, who I love! Why do we hang out and talk for hours on end. Why do we laugh and giggle all the time? Why am I crazy for him knowing I don't even have him to be crazy over? and worst of all. Why does everyone else around us see how perfect it is and how awesome we are together but him? I had a one of my girlfriends come tell me that FN's brother, his brothers girlfriend, and her talked and "they think we are perfect for each other". Welp... I'm not going to lie. I cried on the way home...
I can only pretend for so long that I am ok with this arrangement. Especially when people around me aren't helping. I'm really not ok. But I don't have the guts to say anything because when this conversation is brought up it is the one out of 2 subjects that makes him uncomfortable and us very awkward. Which I don't like so than I drop it. But I am such a sucker! I can't say no. He will call to hang out and I am just hoping this time will be different. That I wont leave and get that heart wrenching text at the end of the night that says "Thanks you are amazing and I had such a fun time! You are the greatest friend anyone could ask for" ....................... insert knife into heart now. 
I. don't. like. this. feeling. at. all. 
For some reason I have a lesson to learn right now. I don't know what it is. But now that I have vented and gotten this off of my chest. I can look at the blessings that they are bringing to me and I will be able to be less stressed.

If you read this all the way through I'm sorry I'm not very peachy right now. Life will get better though! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to stop walking backwards through it. I tend to make life more difficult than it needs to be.... SO... I will be ok.


Come What May and Love it.