Beware now, this is kinda a downer... but my brain wont sort this out correctly by itself, I can't sleep and I just need to vent a little and eventually I'm going to find the good in this. My best friend had this quote and it stuck with me, I thought of my situation and I am determined to "Come what may and love it." My glasses are just a little foggy and I can't see the goal quite yet. But I will.....
Ok so this is a little weird for me but I have a secret...
... I've been feelin' a little down as of late.
Yes I go through moods, but I am normally a very happy go lucky person.
I'm not really sure what has gotten to me... I haven't really put my finger on it and for some reason I've been so stubborn about a lot of things.
And I have been... How can I put this nicely?
A brat.
Weird.
And I hate it.
It is NOT me and I never want to be that girl no one invites or wants to talk to because she looks too cool and looks super stand offish. Who is mean and snaps back when mom asks a billion questions about facebook or how to work the computer or what is going on in the movie that has already been playing for an hour and is at the really intense part. It really makes me cry how impatient I can be.
I have been going through some super weird moods lately and I've been in need of someone to knock me upside the head and help me out. Well the person who is always my go to for this happens to be a fella. He is my best friend and I can tell him everything! I'll complain to him and then he tells me where I went wrong, and helps me remember who I really am and want to be! I love the relationship I have with him and the fact that I am 100% myself when we are hanging out and goofin off.
Well...
this fella just had to open up his stupid big mouth a little while ago and now it is unnecessarily awkward. He seriously is one of my best guy friends and played the whole "I like you" "but I don't want to go anywhere with it, I just want you to know".... card...
I hate Games.
Keep your mouth shut if you are just spewing out useless information. Especially when you know the person on the other end has liked you since she can remember and has just been on the side supporting you with every failed... whatever you decide.
Well, like I said now it unnecessarily awkward.
I feel like I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the stupid [useless] why me emotion. Which I NEVER have. Things happen for a reason and I have best girl friends and we talk about it all the time. I even go through the "I am so grateful to be where I am at, I love going to school and learning all about dance, I have the best girlfriends in the entire world, my family loves me so much even if they live thousands of miles away!" and I believe every word of it. But I'm sick of going to parties and having superficial friends. I don't really know anything about them, and in that sort of a setting there is no way I am going to get anything useful out of it. But I know a lot of peoples names and what they look like..........
I hate not dancing, I hate not moving around and actually letting of steam and all my locked up emotion. That's what keeps me sane.
Dancing.
Lately I've thrown myself some pretty bomb-diggity pity parties. It's never really when people are around it is always when I am home. alone. bored out of my mind. and able to sit and think.
Today was really difficult.
I had SO much homework to catch up on I thought my brain was going to explode. I thought to myself, "Maybe I'll just stay home from Church and finish it. I'll get it all done in time and still be able to see people tonight."
Wow REALLY Michelle? Where was my brain? hw and people over church and feeling the spirit? I had really began to stoop to this level? No wonder I'm all poopy.
Well, with a kinda unwilling heart I went to church, I forgot to eat and I was distracted by hunger, people walking in, the presidency on the stand falling asleep, the ticking of keyboards as people texted around me, and the monotone speaker. I was just not in the right mindset. Basically the whole time. I was in the hall and really ready to leave when I decided to go to RS.
I needed it like no ones business!
holy cow was I humble and crying by the end of that lesson.
It was a beautiful lesson given by the amazing Sister Moffat herself. She is such an inspirational person I can't help but love listening to her teach. Well today in RS the lesson was on Christ.
We had a paper on it and wrote down Questions like:
Who is Christ?
What has he done for me?
Why?
I quietly sat in my seat as I listened to the amazing sisters in my ward talk about the Characteristics of Christ. My heart had started out stone cold and worrying about other things when right then and there I stopped and realized where I had gone wrong. As I listened to story after story of the way Christ was obedient. He inherited so many things from his father that he CHOSE to seek out and follow. He CHOSE to be happy, humble, selfless, determined, faithful, full of unconditional Love, forgiving, thankful, and so many more. Listening and letting their words sink deep into my heart I began to quietly sob. I have been feeling so alone for so long and was letting my self be a Brat KNOWING what the answer was KNOWING who I should go to in times of need. KNOWING I had someone who loves me and suffered and died FOR ME that I may be as happy as I want to be. KNOWING that all my heartache and sadness is taken care of and I don't need to worry about it. Those things I had gotten made fun of for earlier in the week that had brought me to tears didn't matter. I have been CHOOSING everyday to let the bad things that come up ruin the rest of the beautiful day that I have been blessed with. Why on earth would I want to CHOOSE to eat the burnt nasty charcoal cookies, when I could have any other kind of dessert I want!
I am a daughter of God.
I know that.
These small why me [stupidity] stunts I pull every so often are unneeded and cause me so much heartache. SO i'm throwing myself a WHO CARES party!
It is needed...
Who cares If that boy doesn't like me! He doesn't deserve the greatness that my Heavenly Father has given me anyway.
Who cares if I'm not in a dance class! Go to the gym and find other ways to loose the pitty weight you're gaining.
Who cares if you don't get invited to a party, or out to hang with friends! Call someone else up and hang with them!
Who cares if Mom asks a BAZILLION questions about EVERYTHING! She loves me more than I know and wants to be apart of my life.
Who cares if everyone else buys designer clothes and wants to waste there money on costly apparel! I am perfectly fine with my discount jeans and half off sales shirt and shoes, that's who I am and there is no need to fix it now.
Truly find out who you are and what you love! Don't try to be something to please someone else, you have to live with yourself for eternity, make sure you like you.
And don't make someone your priority when you are just and option.
Most likely, no one read this and It is ok. I needed to vent and realize my place. I also needed it for future reference when I fall into my pitty [ridiculous] self.
Come what may and love it :]
Michelle
