Perspective

Life is amazing at the moment.

Some may ask why and I could give a very long explanation,

But the simple answer.

One of my best friends comes home on Thursday.

Some may think I am crazy, other's my be confused as to why.

Again... I could give a very long explanation.

However I have a better Idea.

I met a man named Gene.

He gave me perspective on my life.

He is one of the most sincere men I have ever come in contact with.

He was once able to see and is now blind.

But,

He doesn't let it get him down.

We asked how he felt when he realize he was blind?

If he was sad or discouraged...

He said,

"No, I was relieved. I found an answer as to why it was so dark!"

I have been moved by him.

Someone else asked.

"Do you ever go through depression?"

His reply.

"Once, for about 20 min. Then I realized I wasn't happy so I stopped. It seemed to be worse, Why would anyone want that. So... I choose to be happy."

hmm...

A lot has happened in the last 2 years.

I have gone through the whole spectrum of emotion.

But I find that life is the greatest when

I

choose

to be happy, look at the positive side, see how I can help someone in need, see how I am able to serve and be an example to those around me.

I can do that.

So thanks to Gene I have a new perspective.

I have heard it before, of course, who doesn't want to be happy.

But I witnessed first hand that in the deepest darkest of times...

It's possible.

I will always appreciate Gene for that.

So I'm ready for Thursday to come.

To close a chapter in life and start another one.

I'm stoked.

Come what may and Love it :]

simple but true

Life is... Good :)

I have come to the realization 

(after long talks with my girlfriends) 

that life is good. 

I am healthy 

I have a loving family 

loving friends

and a loving Heavenly Father that wants the best for me. 

Sure life might be a little rocky sometimes 

but

 that doesn't mean that I have any right to 

make other peoples lives seem rocky. 

So I'm not. :]

I might not have a choice about how certain things are going on in my life at the moment

however

I do have a choice on how I am going to let them effect me.

and I don't like how I've handled the situations in the past.

I don't like being the debby downer of the parties. 

Sooo,

I'm changing. 

I am going to strive to see the greatness in everything, 

It's there I know it is. 

Life it too short to waste worrying and complaining.

It's time to start loving life and living again.

Life is good. Simple but true. 

Happy Saturday :]

Finals Week

wow. Who would have known Finals week Literally ment like that final week of my life!!

RUDE Awakening

Life= Live, laugh, love

Lamo me hasn't really done any of that

My Life as of late has concisted of = complain, cry, judge

Why you may ask? Good question.....

I have this problem with time management. I procrastinate like it's a full time job. Well, I also have a load on my shoulders that should be split between 3 people. But (like my mom) I try to do it all. And normally I can. NORMALLY I am all gung hoe about the busy schedule... and not having friends... and never seeing anyone but my books, other school students, and family occationally. NOT caring that any guy has an interest in me, and LOVING the single life. I have had hours upon hours of girl talks about how we are so much better not being married right now and totally being fine with schooling, traveling, and partying (when the chance comes). But THIS girl is over that.
I have lately been wondering why on earth I am still single, in two dance companies, taking 20 credit hours, teaching, and trying to have a social life?!

Oh wait wait wait I can answer all of these.

No boyfriend? .... I'm in two dance companies, taking 20 credit hours, and teaching. Where on earth am I supposed to fit in a boyfriend. (I tried and... it bit me in the butt, punched me in the face, pushed me to the ground, and then kicked me a couple times while I was down there.) Oh ya and I have a really awkward personallity and I have no Idea how to interact with the opposite sex when I am attracted to them.... that small detail is kinda important too. baha.

In 2 dance companies?.... BECAUSE I LOVE DANCING!! (it keeps me alive, well except this week it's actually killing me and screwing up my body... haha it's show week for those 2 said dance companies... the end is in sight, sad but exciting, I NEED a break.)

taking 20 credit hours?..... I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A COMMUNITY COLLEGE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!

teaching? ... because those 3 and 4 year olds are so gosh darn cute and they make me laugh ALL THE TIME!! and it's really fun to watch them grasp dance concepts and REALLY ask "Miss Michelle, can we PLEASE do more chasses or step touches... I practiced!" hehehe music to my ears. Or "Ok what position am I in?" ... "First!!!" hehehe I love them. Even when they don't listen sometimes and run around screaming.

trying to have a social life?! ya this one is failing. I don't really have one I just put it on the list so that I could pretend like I was cool. But in reality I'm not... haha. i've accepted it.

Ok, so I have been thinking about how all I've really done lately is vent. and be confused and upset that life is really hard at the moment and i'm fed up with it, but... still have to push through it. Well previous said venting backfired on me.... I know for a fact that no one besides my family and a few close friends read my blog. It isn't exciting in anyway, it is just a place where I ramble on and on about how life is great or.. not so great at that  given moment. Well for SOME odd reason when I did write that post about me venting and getting crap off my back the said people mentioned in it read it... yup... that happend. Sooooo.... lets just say "just kidding" don't really apply here.... and now I'm even more stressed than I already was. But... and this is where the title comes in....

I had a RUDE awakening when I was put in my place. I realized that I don't have any control at the moment over any part of my life and that was my own fault. The only real thing I have control over is my attitude. Which has been rather poopy if you ask me. So this is my new goal. No matter the outcome of either of the mentioned boys, my grades in school, dance concert, lack of a social life, or stress caused by daily obsticles... I am going to force myself to look at the positive out come. There is one in every cituation and I have just been ok with not noticing it. But I'm not happy and I know I'm not fun to be around because all I want to talk about is how I'm not happy.

LAME-O!!!!!

So from this day on I WILL

-Look at the positive side
-Study and do homework before watching TV
-REALLY studying chemistry so that I can bring my grade up (This C is NOT staying)
-make a new friends and hang out with them
-smile at random strangers
-Read my scriptures more frequently
-Pray more
-Be an example for those around me
-Love hard outcomes that I know are for my own good.
-Be my happy Loving self again
-LIVE< LAUGH > LOVE!!!

oh
AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!! :]

This is what keeps me alive.

As most of you know I am a dancer at SCC and I love it there. I am currently in the Choreography class and one of our assignments was to choreograph a piece of work meant for 3 or more people.

This is my piece.

It is about 3 women and their struggles with grief. One has lost a husband, another a child, and the last was a best friend. I know it is a sad concept but it is a story about their journey alone, and with support, and how they are able to overcome their grief with the help of the people around them.
Sometimes you just have to let people help...

This is a rough run through the girls just finished learning it right before I recored it.... But I think they are beautiful. In the dance world there are things you create and might love and others wont understand or wont like. I know this is one of those. It isn't super eye catching and it may get boring to some, but I love it and am very proud of it.

This is what keeps me going on my long days at school. Knowing that I am learning how to create art and meeting such wonderful talented people that help me learn and grow every day.

I am so grateful to be apart of the program their. It has helped me grow so much, and I have made some wonderful friends!

I am...

Beware I am in need of a very long needed venting party. 

I am........ 

(deep breath)

tired

exhausted

 sore

BroKeN 

(physically and emotionally at the moment)

hitting the "meh" stage in school

 (which is bad because it isn't done yet)

 hurting.... EVERYWHERE

Whinny

 easily annoyed

sick of pretending life is perfect

stressed

pooped

Frazzled

 craving healthy food

 completely broke (money wise)

stressed... stressed a little more

 out of alignment

self conscious

emotionally strained

needing more gospel feasting

 always eating junk food

feeling yucky

sad

scared

missing my sisters

missing my friends

missing my mom

 missing my brothers

missing my dad 

(I could have said family,

 but i miss them all separately and collectively)

dead in the brain I couldn't possibly learn anything else and expect it to stick... 

.....but I got ta

wishing I could get a good long hug from a certain someone 

but that's not gunna happen 

(and it would sadly be awkward)

 wishful 

very wishful for

 good grades

 boys to become men and stop wasting time 

for school to be over...

the school part.. aka chemistry... :{

for christmas to come

and more

Man I have just been feeling really down lately. 

Not all the time, 

and not an I'm so depressed I wanna quit.

 just a...

 I need a break from life for one day 

where I don't have to stress about homework, 

or having to practice a dance for a show coming up, 

or finding time to create choreography

or finding songs for my girls recital pieces

or studying

or worrying about life, and remembering how we are currently not very close friends. 

or having people keep on reminding me about past experiences

 that are messing with my happy life now....

gluberskinkerspinkle

(deep breath)

Story behind my little venting party. Well there is a certain someone, a very good. No Best friend of mine that is making life very awkward. He, lets call him FN. Well FN and I have talked and are very aware of how we both feel. Only there are a couple of complications. He doesn't want to be in a relationship because he has only been home from his mission for about 3 and a half months.... which is totally reasonable I get that, and he doesn't want to pursue anything because I dated his best friend (LM) in high school and he feels that it will be uncomfortable when "the other guy" aka LM gets off his mission. Ok so we are on the same page. I understand all of this ya it stinks for me... i have to sit on the side with no say on what is happening, but I'm willing to wait. I am willing to strengthen our friendship. I am totally willing to wait for the other said guy to get home and for FN to realize that LM is only a friend we are no longer together... and haven't been for 2 years. But he can't get that yet.... I came to that conclusion a month ago. Soooo.... why does he keep calling me to couple events?? To hang out with his family, who I love! Why do we hang out and talk for hours on end. Why do we laugh and giggle all the time? Why am I crazy for him knowing I don't even have him to be crazy over? and worst of all. Why does everyone else around us see how perfect it is and how awesome we are together but him? I had a one of my girlfriends come tell me that FN's brother, his brothers girlfriend, and her talked and "they think we are perfect for each other". Welp... I'm not going to lie. I cried on the way home...

I can only pretend for so long that I am ok with this arrangement. Especially when people around me aren't helping. I'm really not ok. But I don't have the guts to say anything because when this conversation is brought up it is the one out of 2 subjects that makes him uncomfortable and us very awkward. Which I don't like so than I drop it. But I am such a sucker! I can't say no. He will call to hang out and I am just hoping this time will be different. That I wont leave and get that heart wrenching text at the end of the night that says "Thanks you are amazing and I had such a fun time! You are the greatest friend anyone could ask for" ....................... insert knife into heart now. 

I. don't. like. this. feeling. at. all. 

For some reason I have a lesson to learn right now. I don't know what it is. But now that I have vented and gotten this off of my chest. I can look at the blessings that they are bringing to me and I will be able to be less stressed.

If you read this all the way through I'm sorry I'm not very peachy right now. Life will get better though! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to stop walking backwards through it. I tend to make life more difficult than it needs to be.... SO... I will be ok.

Come What May and Love it. 

Life

Chances are I'm losing my mind.....