Beware I am in need of a very long needed venting party.
I am........
(deep breath)
tired
exhausted
sore
BroKeN
(physically and emotionally at the moment)
hitting the "meh" stage in school
(which is bad because it isn't done yet)
hurting.... EVERYWHERE
Whinny
easily annoyed
sick of pretending life is perfect
stressed
pooped
Frazzled
craving healthy food
completely broke (money wise)
stressed... stressed a little more
out of alignment
self conscious
emotionally strained
needing more gospel feasting
always eating junk food
feeling yucky
sad
scared
missing my sisters
missing my friends
missing my mom
missing my brothers
missing my dad
(I could have said family,
but i miss them all separately and collectively)
dead in the brain I couldn't possibly learn anything else and expect it to stick...
.....but I got ta
wishing I could get a good long hug from a certain someone
but that's not gunna happen
(and it would sadly be awkward)
wishful
very wishful for
good grades
boys to become men and stop wasting time
for school to be over...
the school part.. aka chemistry... :{
for christmas to come
and more
Man I have just been feeling really down lately.
Not all the time,
and not an I'm so depressed I wanna quit.
just a...
I need a break from life for one day
where I don't have to stress about homework,
or having to practice a dance for a show coming up,
or finding time to create choreography
or finding songs for my girls recital pieces
or studying
or worrying about life, and remembering how we are currently not very close friends.
or having people keep on reminding me about past experiences
that are messing with my happy life now....
gluberskinkerspinkle
(deep breath)
Story behind my little venting party. Well there is a certain someone, a very good. No Best friend of mine that is making life very awkward. He, lets call him FN. Well FN and I have talked and are very aware of how we both feel. Only there are a couple of complications. He doesn't want to be in a relationship because he has only been home from his mission for about 3 and a half months.... which is totally reasonable I get that, and he doesn't want to pursue anything because I dated his best friend (LM) in high school and he feels that it will be uncomfortable when "the other guy" aka LM gets off his mission. Ok so we are on the same page. I understand all of this ya it stinks for me... i have to sit on the side with no say on what is happening, but I'm willing to wait. I am willing to strengthen our friendship. I am totally willing to wait for the other said guy to get home and for FN to realize that LM is only a friend we are no longer together... and haven't been for 2 years. But he can't get that yet.... I came to that conclusion a month ago. Soooo.... why does he keep calling me to couple events?? To hang out with his family, who I love! Why do we hang out and talk for hours on end. Why do we laugh and giggle all the time? Why am I crazy for him knowing I don't even have him to be crazy over? and worst of all. Why does everyone else around us see how perfect it is and how awesome we are together but him? I had a one of my girlfriends come tell me that FN's brother, his brothers girlfriend, and her talked and "they think we are perfect for each other". Welp... I'm not going to lie. I cried on the way home...
I can only pretend for so long that I am ok with this arrangement. Especially when people around me aren't helping. I'm really not ok. But I don't have the guts to say anything because when this conversation is brought up it is the one out of 2 subjects that makes him uncomfortable and us very awkward. Which I don't like so than I drop it. But I am such a sucker! I can't say no. He will call to hang out and I am just hoping this time will be different. That I wont leave and get that heart wrenching text at the end of the night that says "Thanks you are amazing and I had such a fun time! You are the greatest friend anyone could ask for" ....................... insert knife into heart now.
I. don't. like. this. feeling. at. all.
For some reason I have a lesson to learn right now. I don't know what it is. But now that I have vented and gotten this off of my chest. I can look at the blessings that they are bringing to me and I will be able to be less stressed.
If you read this all the way through I'm sorry I'm not very peachy right now. Life will get better though! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to stop walking backwards through it. I tend to make life more difficult than it needs to be.... SO... I will be ok.
Come What May and Love it.
10 comments:
Michelle,
You are too cute. I love this venting and sometimes it's the best and only thing to do when you're feeling like this.
In my opinion, I say you take a day off of school and thinking and anything else going on and do WHATEVER you want to do. that includes laying in bed all day, watching movies, eating ice cream and junk food and being a complete veg.
Also, situations with boys always get crazy, but in the end, all you can think about is how the right one will never make you feel this way.
hope you start feeling better soon!
I love you...maybe you just need to say no sometime :( As much as it sucks, maybe he needs to realize how much his life would suck without you. I really do love you though. You know, you could always write Elder Smith!! ha ha! Hugs from Alaska! Why couldn't this have all come out while your sisters were there?? OR maybe it did and we just never saw you cuz you were with said person...lame! I LOVE YOU!! HANG IN THERE, IT GETS BETTER!!!
Michelle I love you and want to talk to you about this on the phone. I can totaly relate to this.(yeah, something I can relate to) First of all I agree with Dawn, maybe you need to say no, take a break and let him realize that he misses you. I also agree with Katelyn, take a break for yourself. I know that it is hard to do that with school and work and everything...but maybe over Thanksgiving break you can do something just for you! You will be okay and life does work out, be patient. I know that being patient sucks and I wish I could be closer to give you big hugs. When are you coming to see me? ;) I love you. You are a strong woman and you will make this all work out. PS does he know about this blog? Maybe you can help him accidently stumble on it and let him see how you feel. "Come what may and love it" is one of my favorite quotes too. Call me when you have some free time and I can tell you all about the friend I was in love with and watched flirt and take out every other girl but me, I was really great friends with him and obsessed with him, but it took three years for us to hook up. Part of the problem was I had no idea how to tell him how I felt or how to even flirt. I think everything would have happened faster if I did. Anyway, lets chat sometime. miss you!
Michelle!! What you need is time away...a VACATION!! And it just so happens that Michael and I are all settled into our new apartment and we have a spare room with your name on it! So anytime you want to come visit just give us the date and we will be ready for ya! Come whenever you'd like! Loves!
first. i want to tell you that i love you so much and nothing will ever change that-not time apart due to school/work/life/or anything.
second. i opened a piece of dove chocolate just now and the quote was "promise to see the glass as half full"... venting is probably exactly what the dr. ordered for you. i know how that goes. don't forget that you have a bazillion people who love you, you have the Gospel/the Atonement, AND like katelyn said... you're future husband will never let you feel this way (just to name a few of your blessings). AND i opened one yesterday that said "time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted at all!" so lets waste time sometime!
third. i'm sorry that life is so hard right now for you! =( just think though... 1 month and you'll be done with the crazy-ness!
fourth. i love you!
i. love. you.
Sorry you're having a tough time. Anything I can do to help? Oh, the Young Adult years are fun but difficult. Hang in there! Hugs!
you need to talk to fn.
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